Validation is a fundamental process in communication and emotional support that plays a crucial role in human relationships, whether personal, professional or therapeutic. It involves an act of acceptance and acknowledgement of another person’s experiences, thoughts, emotions and feelings, regardless of whether we agree or disagree with them. By validating another, we not only acknowledge their right to experience what they are experiencing, but we also promote a safe and respectful space for the other person to express themselves without fear of being judged or rejected.
The concept of validation has been widely explored in psychology, especially in the work of psychotherapist Marsha Linehan, who introduced the idea of validation in the context of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to help people regulate their emotions and improve their relationships. Linehan emphasizes that validation does not necessarily mean agreeing with what the other person says or feels, but recognizing and accepting that their emotions make sense from their perspective. This approach has been very influential in treating emotional disorders and promoting psychological well-being.
In what follows, we will delve into the fundamental phases of validation, describing each with practical examples that illustrate how we can put them into action in our daily interactions. We will also explore how validation, when carried out effectively, can enhance our relationships and promote greater emotional well-being for both the validator and the validated.
1. Be mentally present
The first step in offering genuine validation is to be fully present in the moment. Mental presence is critical because it allows us to really listen and connect with what the other person is experiencing. Being mentally present involves devoting our full attention to the person we are interacting with, without internal distractions (such as thoughts of worry or judgment) or external distractions (such as using a cell phone or looking around).
When we are mentally present, we focus not only on the other person’s words, but also on the tone of voice, gestures and facial expressions, which often contain key information about what the person is experiencing. In addition, by being present, we avoid our own automatic responses or biases, allowing us to give the person genuine space to express their thoughts and emotions without our own agenda interfering.
Practical example: Imagine that a friend is telling you that they are going through a difficult time in their relationship. If your mind is busy thinking about your own problems or how to give the right advice, you won’t really be listening to what he or she is saying. If, instead, you concentrate fully on his story, putting aside any distracting thoughts, your presence will be perceived by him as an act of support, allowing him to feel heard and understood.
Marsha Linehan, who introduced the idea of validation in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, also emphasizes the importance of mindfulness as a central component of validation.
2. Being able to focus attention on each other
Once we are mentally present, the next step is to focus our attention completely on the other person. This means putting aside our own worries and desires to devote ourselves completely to the person in front of us. It involves an act of active empathy, a conscious effort to understand and connect with what the other person is experiencing.
The act of focusing our attention on the other is more than just listening to their words; it is about being genuinely interested in their experience, showing a genuine interest in understanding their feelings, thoughts and needs. This can be accomplished with simple gestures, such as maintaining eye contact, nodding or asking open-ended questions that encourage the other person to continue sharing.
Practical example: Suppose a work colleague tells you that she is dealing with an overwhelming workload. Instead of interrupting to provide solutions or talk about your own experience, you focus on what she is feeling. You can ask, “How is all this affecting you emotionally?” or simply listen quietly to give her space to express herself without rushing.
Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist, emphasized the importance of active listening and empathy in his theories on person-centered therapy. Focusing our attention on the other person is a way to create a therapeutic environment of trust and safety.
3. Open our attention to our own experiences, even if they are painful (emotions, thoughts, sensations, feelings).
This step requires deep emotional honesty. To validate another person effectively, we must be willing to acknowledge our own emotions and thoughts, even if they are uncomfortable. Genuine validation involves not only being present and focused on the other, but also in being aware of our own internal reactions to what they share with us.
Extended description: Opening our attention to our own emotions and thoughts is essential because it helps us respond from an authentic place. If we are trying to ignore our own emotional reactions (such as discomfort at another’s suffering), we may not be fully effective in our validation. It is important to allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling without judgment, and then use that understanding to offer a sincere response.
Practical example: If a friend tells you that they have lost a loved one and, although you feel sad and moved, you decide to validate their pain without blocking your own emotions. You might acknowledge your sadness and say, “Hearing what you are going through touches me deeply; I feel sad for you too, but I am here for you every moment.”
Daniel Goleman, in his work on emotional intelligence, emphasizes the importance of emotional self-awareness in interpersonal interactions as an essential step in being empathetic and validating others’ emotions.
4. Respond with integrity from ourselves, without mediation, ensuring that our words, feelings and beliefs are congruent.
The last step of validation involves responding honestly, directly and congruently. It is not only about listening and understanding, but also about being genuine in our response. Words, feelings and beliefs must be consistent with each other, with no artifice or hidden agenda. This implies a response that is coherent and aligned with our inner being, reflecting both our ability to empathize and our authenticity.
When we respond with integrity, our words are not seen as a mere strategy to please or avoid conflict. They are based on what we really feel and believe, which generates a greater depth of connection with the other person. In addition, by being congruent in our response, we demonstrate that we are being sincere and are not trying to manipulate or evade the situation.
Practical example: If a colleague tells you about a failed project, you don’t say something like, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine,” if you don’t really believe everything will be fine. Instead, you might say, “I understand that this has been difficult for you. I’d be frustrated in your shoes too, but I’m sure we’ll learn something important from this.” This reflects a sincere response, combining empathy and authenticity.
Marshall Rosenberg, in his approach to Nonviolent Communication, stresses the importance of authenticity and congruence in response, as the words must come from a deep understanding of our needs and those of the other person.
Validation is a powerful process that, when done with awareness and sincerity, can profoundly strengthen our interpersonal relationships. Each phase of validation-being mentally present, focusing attention on the other, opening ourselves to our own emotional experiences and responding with integrity-contributes to creating a space where the other feels heard, understood and respected.
Through validation, we not only provide emotional support to others, but also foster an environment of trust and authentic connection. This skill is essential for improving our family, work, therapeutic and social relationships, and has a significant impact on the psychological and emotional well-being of those with whom we interact.
Validation, as an ongoing practice, allows people to feel valued and understood, which can generate a deep sense of inner peace and social cohesion.
